gnaw

Its starting to eat away !! how long can i last?

stick and carrot

whats there to work for the carrot is non existant? The carrot that i am looking for is not something you can provide.. Not anymore in the least.. It all began ever since then 4 years ago, the butterfly effect on that decision was so huge that no one could have foreseen. It changed us for ever. All four of us. As for you, all that stepping on made you want to step on others while for us 2, we just want to avoid it and prevent others from similar fates. It may not be the "strength " that you think but its enough.. Thats why my brain is broken this way and what you can come up with nao will never fix it. On a side note, maybe thats why i am so attracted. I see somewhat an avatar of my former self. What i was, what is , what may be. (which may yet fall under the shadow. ) let the dragon ride again on the winds of time

Balance issues

Just one more or one less and everything would be perfect=) Cant say much more without giving too much away!=) you guys getting too good le=)

shim

or is it the body?

out of sight, out of mind

which is stronger? Your mind or your heart? And which is which

One After The Other

OH WILL YOU JUST SHUT IT!!
FUCK!

whatever man

sth killed my motivation for it since 4 years ago. I know i need that end result but i am sry if i take the long way about it. Since its not high up in priorities and theses always backup. Thx guys but no thank you..
________________
And fk off la thats juz demeaning

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

thats it, totally pushed to the limit already.. how much more do you want to keep this up. freaking hell this is beyond naggy alrd. wtf la seriously
_________________________
Feeling too crappy to write more...
That "Gaaaaah" has gotta be the cutest thing i have every heard approaching "kyaa" and ( i know this is biased) cuter than makoto going gaaaoh~~

prospects

this insanely stupid tone during the nagging is the worst ever. It just kills all prospects, listen to yourself damn it.. And you can ask why we are like that. Cause. We. Cant. Take. It. Anymore. Zzz on another note, lets see if we can all work towards that dream :) the one with a prospective grandma :) sry iz :)

kawaii desu ~ :)

worth the long wait to see the zombie walk and epic meaning full smile. Finally seemed to crash down the invisible wall with pure idiocy and spending some time. Should just take things as they go and not emo about it or anything. Will win no matter hard if it doesnt hurt too bad. What a blend of elayne, aviendha and min. Cant decide which is more prominent. Maybe a bit of faile? =p. Such a good change just chilling out together, feels complete nao! Love you guys! :)

Reintegration

" this is instant pasta, no need brains to cook one!"
"No, need brains to know not to eat this type of pasta one !"

way too many thoughts to put here on everything. From dad, pig and....

_______________________________
There it is once again, it is impossible to live the lives of two people.
THX for the book=)!!
_________________________________
some random vids while i am at it

Cloak and Dagger

Must have patience !! This is stalking to the max man.. But i still prefer the dead ringer
___________________________
"Oh dear~ you made quite a mess"

raging heart

surprising how a few words here and there can make you less WHITE and nearly lose the Aes Sedai composure... goodness better keep it in check..
____________________________________________
This is Caheiren, not Aes Sedai you are over reading and mis reading and countering wrongly the stroke and counter stroke of Daes Dae Mar

Sea Cucumber

What sick irony man

morning

and you all wonder why? Thats because you all dont understand and dunno when to stfu.

F.Y.I i am a spy.

Basically what you have been doing is screwing them over. Again and again and again and again.Backstabbing and you know what? they arent even your enemies or what. They are the people trying to help you the most. Yes i am talking to you Lews Therin Telamon

Maggots!!!!

That aside, what the fuck did last nights chat do to me??! my brain is so screwed man GG

JT

i just realised that thats the preferance for the name too.. A mental illness? Of course it is what else could it be. I am going mad :)

admission

this is the first time i admitted those out loud, more to myself than for anything.. And frankly, they scare me.. Both of them.. Resort to plan b ..

And so we go...

Nothing more binding even unless u count that.. which doesnt really factor into this
_______________________
KEEP TO IT

Light it has been too long!...

Only aft such a short period of time and alrd it has spread so far... juz because i am more like a white with this regard, i thought i would be immune. In my heart, its actually been sorting, whittling down the choices until....
_______________________________________________________________
"From dust where whence came, until dust shalt thou return"

The power of Advertisements

The promise of instant gratification vs the long term unsurities... and so much for me being able to predict the path of so many things but too short sighted for...

Lew Therin Telamon... and..

Too much LTT alrd and GET OUT OF MY HEAD!

Yanked

Goodness i think i need the warder bond now?
____________________________
i am even too lazy to find what i wanna type

Unlimited Blade Works

How could they do that? So many lacking meanings all of a sudden. Everything just lost its significance zzz

Choice

Under the light and by my hope of salvation and rebirth, todays the 33th day, i am to begin that path of no regrets not later than the 28th day.

Hiberreincarnator

I have this feeling.... why cant i just clear it nao?

Shatter

Conclusion: its a mental illness after all ! Sometimes i do wonder why is it so plain or is my mind just warped
_________________________________________________
"Life is a dream from which we all must wake before we can dream again."
"Till shade is gone, till water is gone,
into the Shadow with teeth bared,
screaming defiance with the last breath,
to spit in Sightblinder’s eye on the last Day."
_________________________________________________
And 34 days to tarmon gaidon and instead of preparing " to spit in Sightblinder's eye" i am like "Bed so nice~~ nyaaan~~~~=)" GG

Final Fantasy -- It better be FINAL

Day 1: Travels up and down and going round and round to find some random place i didnt expect. Phaile bak kut teh and epic Sony copy of bbcs. In some sense, kinda disappointed in the community, thx though jjjynx! Somewhat fun traveling, seeing the whole system and all kinda reminded me of wes and his bags from the airport.... Epic addix in the train with the best cosplay ever !=P such a relieve upon reaching with the best aircon ever, kinda weird without sound, so out of character. epic phaile downloading, sausage grinding and finally Makoto nyannyannyaa~~ <3 =)! Challenge mode was such a pain with so much random weird shit that you will almost never use.. some drowsy chatter and then finally, peace...

Day 2: Epic Mu-12 rush the first few hrs rushed by in a blur until finally dinner, some more bb , idle chatter and an early night with skool the next day, the dread with the illusion about to shatter but a certain vision held it in place.

Day 3:Mad rush in the morning and bacon > all. couldnt really care less abt what was going to happen and such. And after that PARTY TIME! 1st time i actually found some form of alcohol nice =) i was finally convinced after all ! long talk ranging from H to cold hard nonsense to dialect and the epic da bian dao of dhooms. SO XIA LAN ! Best hokkien mee ever ! Aircon ftw ! especially with the leg numbing warmth and everything. Can see and feel his vision with juz that little something short..

Day 4: nyaan~ self control juz kinda slipped i guessed? Surprised it held out that long actually. Quickly restored though. and then the usuals, time passed too fast, with iz managing to destroy whatever image i hard of alcohol (its juz plain chlorophyll i see that nao) Wished for one more day but all good things come to an end and i simply couldnt leave the guilt of both behind. Had some good old travelling and all.

Day 5: Hibernate ANYWAY and apparantly died of all sorts of poisoning. Poisoned myself and kinda burst all the limitations after seeing it apply in that context. Plain dogging and siao sausage grinding.

Day 6: grind grind zzz *pom**dies* havent experienced this since the last time, what a zombified mechanical feeling. Forged something that wasnt really there b4, surprising how feelings can change. Had something totally new for dinner =) Had to revisit the 3 oaths again. Is it so bad to help myself if.............. i wonder....... more dogging and i feel the waste of something entirely different. Having no japs online to practice sucks as well. Kinda defeats the purpose of buying the game.

Day 7: Once again reminded of that feeling. the expectation down the drain sigh. that aside. WTF IS WITH THE COMBO DROP AGAISNT HOLY BEERGUT FKFKFKFKFKKFK. Anyway gratz beergut u didnt juz phaile there again. so xialan astral everybody. Reminded of the melancholy melanchloic melaetcetc mania all that crap through dinner and maybe see why so many ppl are infected with this nao, its as bad as arakune fever, a mental illness. Some time cant see where the green eyed monster actually leads to and how it manifests differently in different people...Had a great time in illuma. thx for staying with me !=) Thx for the tips and games yuvvone! kinda made my day!

So what will tmr hold? will it juz end there or will it hold something new b4 my disappearance. Not going to quote random lines today but ....
_____________________________________________
To think..

Wind blew around Rand as he sat at the top of the world. His weaving of Air and FIre had melted away the snow around him, exposing a jagged gray-black tip of rock about three paces wide. The peak was like a broken fingernail jutting into the sky, and Rand sat atop it. As far as he could tell, it was the very tip of Dragonmount. Perhaps the highest point in the world.
He sat on his small outcropping, the access key sitting on the rock in front of him. The air was thin here and he'd had trouble breathing until he found a way to weave Air so that it compressed slightly around him. Like the weave that warmed him, he wasnt certain ho he'd dont it. He vaguely remembered Asmodean trying to teach him a similar weave, and Rand hadnt been able to get it right. Now it came naturally, Lew Therin's influence or his own growing familiarity with the One Power?
Dragonmounts broken, open mouth lay several hundred feet beneath him to the left. The scents of ash and sulphur were pungent even at this distance. the maw was black with ash and red from molten rock and blazing fires.
He still held on to the Source. He didnt dare let go. This last time he'd seized it had been the worst he could remember, and he feared that the sickness would overpower him if he tried again.
He had been here for hours. And yet he did not feel tired. He stared at the ter'angreal. Thinking
What was he? What was the Dragon Reborn? A symbol? A sacrifice? A sword, meant to destroy? A sheltering hand meant to protect?
A puppet, playing a part over and over again?
he was angry. Angry at the world, angry at the Pattern, angry at the Creator for leaving humans to fight against the Dark One with no direction. What right did any of them to demand Rand;s life of hum?
Well, rand had offered that life to them. It had taken him a great while to accept his death , but he had made peace. Wasnt that enough? Did he have to be in pain until the end?
he had thought that if he made himself hard enough it would take away the pain. If he couldnt feel, then he couldnt hurt.
The wounds in his side pulsed in agony. For a time he had been able to forget them. But the deaths he had caused rubbed his soul raw. That list starting with Moiraine. Everything begun to go wrong at her death. before that, he'd still had hope.
before that he'd never been put in a box
he understood what would be required of him, and he'd changed int he ways he thought he needed. THose changes were to keep him from being overwhelmed. Die to protect people he didnt know? Chosen to save mankind? Chosen to force the kingdoms of the world to unite behind him, destroying those who refused to listen? Chosen to cause the deaths of thousands who fought in his name, to hold those souls upon his shoulders a weight that must be borne? What man could do these things and remain sane? The only way he had seen had been to cut off his emotions, to make himself cuendillar.
But he had failed. He hadnt been able to stamp his feelings out. The voice inside had been so small, but it had pricked at him, like a needle making the smallest of holes in his hear. Even the smallest of holes would let the blood leak free.
Those holes would bleed him dry.
The quiet voice was gone now. It had vanished when he;d thrown Tam to the floor and nearly killed him. Without that voice did Rand dare continue? IF it was the last remnant of the old Rand- the Rand who had believed that he knew what was right and what was wrong- then what did its silence mean?
Rand picked up the access key and stoop up, boots scraping stone. It was midday though the sun still lay hidden behind the cloud. Below he could see hills forests lakes and villages.
" And what if i dont want the Pattern to continue?" He bellowed. He stepped forward right to the edge of the rock, clutching the access key to his chest
" We live the same lives !" he yelled at them " over and over and over. We make the same mistakes. Kingdoms do the same same stupid things. Rulers fail their people time and time again. Men continue to hurt and hate and hunt and die and kill!"
Winds buffeted him, whipping at his brown cloak and his fine Tairen trousers. But his words carried, echoing across the broken rocks of Dragonmount. It was cold and crisp the air new. His weave kept him warm enough to survive but it did not stop the chill. He hadnt wanted it to.
" what if i think its all meaningless?" he demanded with the loud voice of a king. " what if i dont want it to keep turning? we live our lives by the blood of others ! and those others become forgotten. What good is it if everything we know will fade? Great deeds or great tragedies neither means anything! They will become legends, then those legends will be forgotten, then it will all start over again!"
The access key began to glow in his hands. The clouds above seemed to grow darker.
Rand's anger beat in rhythm with his heart, demanding to be set free.
" What if he is right?" Rand bellowed. " WHhat if its better for this all to end? What if the light was a lie all along, and this is all just a punishment? We live again and again, growing feeble, dying, trapped forever. We are to be tortured for all time!"
Power flooded into Rand like surging waves filling a new ocean. He came to life, glorying in saidin, not caring that the display must be brilliantly visible to men eveywhere who could channel. He felt himself alight with the Power, like a sun to the world below.
" NONE OF THIS MATTERS!"
he closed his eyes drawing in more and more power feeling as he had only twice before. Once when he had cleansed saidin. Once when he had created this mountain.
Then he drew in more.
He knew that much power would destroy him. He had stopped caring. Fury that had been building in him for years finally boiled free,unleashed at long last. He spread his arms out wide, access key in hand. Lews Therin had been right to kill himself and create dragonmount. Only he hadnt gone far enough.
Rand could remember that day. Te smoke, the rumbling, the sharp pains of a healing bringing him back to lucidity as he lay in a broken palace. but those pains had paled compared with the agony of realization. Agony from seeing the beautiful walls scarred and broken. From seeing the piles of familiar corpses tossed to the floor like discarded rags.
froom seeing Ilyena a short distance away, her golden hair spread out on the ground around her.
he could feel the palace around him shaking from the earths own sobs. Or was that the dragon mount throbbing from the immense power he had drawn into himself?
He could smell the air thick with blood and soot and death and pain or was that just the scent of a dying world, spread before him?
The winds began to whip at him, spinning enormous clouds above twisting upon themselves, like ancient leviathans passing in the profound black deep.
Lews therin had made a mistake. He had died but had left the world alive, wounded, limping forward. He's let the Wheel of Time keep turning, rotating,rotting and bringing him back around again. He could not escape it. Not without ending everything
"why?" rand whispered to the twisting winds around him. The power coming to him through the access key was greater than he'd help when cleansing saidin. Perhaps greater than any man had ever help. Great enough to unravel the pattern itself and bring final peace.
"why do we have to do this agian?" he whispered. "i have already failed. She is dead by my hand. WHy must you make me live it again?"
lightning cracked above thunder buffetting him. Rand closed his eyes. perched above a drop that plummeted thousands of feet downward in the middle of a tempest of icy wind. THrough his eyelids, he could sense the blazing light of the access key. The power he held inside dwarfed that light. He was sun. He was fire. He was life and death.
Why? Why must they do this over and over? The world could give him no answers.
rand raised his arms high , a conduit of power and energy. An incarnation of death and destruction. He would end it. End it all and let men rest, finally, from their suffering.
Stop them from having to live over and over again. WHy? Why had the crator done this to them? Why?
why do we live again? Lews therin asked suddenly. His voice was crisp and distinct.
Yes, rand said, pleading tell me. why?
maybe... lews therin said, shockingly lucid, not a hint of madness to him. He spoke reverently why? could it be... maybe its so that we can have a second chance.
Rand froze, the winds blew against him but he could not be moved by them. The Power hesitated inside him, like the headsman's Axe help quivering above the criminal's neck. You may not have a choice about which duties are given you, tam;s voice just a memory, said in his mind. But you can choose why you fulfill them.
Why, rand? Why do you go to abtlle? What is the point?
Why?
all was still. Even with the tempest , the winds the crashes of thunder, All was still
Why? Rand thought with wonder. Because each time we live, we get to love again.
That was the answer. It all swept over him, lives lived, mistakes made, love changing everything. He saw the entire world in his mind's eye, lit by the glow in this hand. He remembered lives, hundreds of them, thousands of them , stretching to infinity. He remembered love,, and peace and joy and hope.
Within that moment suddenly something amazing occurred to him. If i live again, then she might as well!!
Thats why he fought, Thats why he lived again, and that was the answer to Tams question. I fight because last time, I failed, I fight because i want to fix what i did wrong.
I want to do it right this time.
The power within him reached a crescendo, and he turned it upon itself drove it through he access key. The ter'angreal was connected to a much greater force, a massive sa'angreal to the south built to stop the Dark One. Too powerful, some had said. Too powerful ever to use. Too frightening.
Rand used its own power upon it , crushing the distant glove, shattering it as if in the grip of a giant's hand.
The Choedan Kal exploded.
The Power winked out
The tempest ended.
And Rand opened his eyes for the first time in a very long while He knew somehow that he would never again hear Lews Therin;s voice in his head. For they were not two men and never had been.
He regarded the world beneath him. The clouds above had finally broken, if only just above him. The gloom dispersed, allowing him to see the sun hanging just above.
Rand looked up at it. Then he smiled. FInally he let out a deep throated laugh, true and pure
It had been far too long
(and tempest end)
_______________________________________________
Veins of gold was hell, had to type so much crap. typing with out punctuation sure speeds things up a hell lot.